Negotiation Insights from Chris Voss... But Wait... What Do I Actually Want to Do?
The Emberhart Weekly
You negotiate more than you think.
It is not just the boardroom deals or high-stakes job offers. It is convincing your toddler to eat broccoli, aligning on timelines with your team, or deciding where to go for dinner with your partner. Every conversation is a subtle dance of needs, wants, and outcomes—and most of us are dancing in the dark. What if you could see the steps clearly?
Behind the scenes: We moved.
And as the guys helping us said with a grin and a grunt—“You’ve got a lot of stuff.”
They were right. We do. Too much, actually.
Boxes upon boxes, drawers full of forgotten things, random cables with unknown purposes, kids’ crafts we could not bear to toss, and those mystery items we kept “just in case.” Each week, more packages had arrived, as if on autopilot. But somehow, the process for letting things go—never showed up.
It is not just physical clutter. That same overload shows up in other corners of life too.
A new commitment here. A committee role there. Promising to take care of that one thing. Saying “sure” to that extra event. Picking up a new hobby because it sounded good at the time. Watching the news, scrolling endlessly, nodding politely through yet another obligation-filled holiday. Christmas. Then Easter. Then Midsummer celebration. One after another. Smiling. Showing up. Checking boxes.
But somewhere in the blur of commitments—real and imagined—I stopped to ask:
Wait... what do I actually want to do?
How much of this am I doing because I feel I should? Because I told myself I must? Because I never stopped to reconsider?
At some point, it all starts to feel like a house filled with stuff: heavy, chaotic, and not entirely chosen.
Mastering the Psychology of Negotiation: Insights from Chris Voss
In 1962, during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the world teetered on the brink of nuclear war. Yet, through strategic negotiation, U.S. President John F. Kennedy brokered a high-stakes agreement with Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev—missiles were withdrawn from Cuba in exchange for a quiet U.S. concession. This wasn't about compromise; it was about understanding people and pressure points.
Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, brings that same principle into the professional world with Never Split the Difference. His approach isn't about meeting halfway—it's about mastering the psychological nuances that make people act, decide, and agree. Here are four key lessons that go beyond theory:
1. Trigger Action with One Question:
A stalled negotiation? Voss recommends the email subject line: Are you giving up on this project? It’s disarming and compelling. People hate the idea of quitting—it jolts them into action by appealing to accountability and unfinished business.
2. Leverage the Endowment Effect:
People overvalue what they already possess. Highlighting potential losses rather than hypothetical gains creates urgency. Try: If we don’t move forward now, this opportunity may be gone. Loss aversion is a powerful motivator.
3. Speak with Calm Authority:
Adopt the “late-night FM DJ voice”—slow, calm, and steady. It signals control and confidence. Instead of debating, lower your tone and assert: This is the best path forward. It invites agreement, not resistance.
4. "No" Is the Starting Line:
Rather than chasing an easy “yes,” encourage a thoughtful “no.” It gives people safety and space to engage. A question like Would it be ridiculous to consider another approach? can unlock a more honest and productive conversation.
🔍 https://www.emberhart.com/mastering-negotiation-lessons-from-never-split-the-difference/
Negotiation is less about demanding and more about guiding. The real edge comes from understanding how people think, feel, and respond—something Voss has mastered through years in high-stakes environments.
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